TOP 10 LINES OF J/C DIALOGUE CUT FROM THE FIRST DRAFT:

10. "I sure wish we had Neelix here with us to make us some leola root quiche."
9. "It might make sense for you to cut off all that hair to conserve shampoo."
8. "I just love these transparent partitions between the bedrooms!"
7. "Drat! I left my medicine bundle on the ship! Well, it always turns up again anyway."
6. "Just give a holler from the bathtub if you need any help washing those hard-to-reach spots."
5. "So who's better, me or Seska?"
4. "Hey, Kat, I'm starving. Go cook me some mushroom soup."
3. "Let's go get the monkey and play 'Me Tarzan, you Janeway.'"
2. "Chakotay, what do you do with yourself all afternoon when you go off in the woods?"
1. "Let's pretend we're giant salamanders."

TOP 10 J/C ARGUMENTS WHICH ALMOST RUINED THEIR BUDDING ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP:

10. "Why do you insist on rolling the toilet paper over the top when I want it back along the wall?"
9. "Have you been using my hairpins to pick your teeth?"
8. "If you always snore that loudly, I'm going to sleep in the woods."
7. "Ugh! You always leave a wad of slimy hair caught in the bathtub drain!"
6. "Eeeew! Stop drinking right out of the container! Use a cup!"
5. "Dammit! Every time I turn the thermostat down, you push it back up!"
4. "If you're going to complain about which way I fold your underwear, you can do your own damn laundry."
3. "Don't you ever knock??!!!"
2. "I couldn't find my toothbrush, so I borrowed yours."
1. "You insensitive jerk! You left the seat up again!"

TOP TEN THINGS SURE TO HAPPEN AFTER J AND C LEAVE THE PLANET AND RETURN TO THE SHIP
Written with Ocampb

10. Janeway creates a new recreational program on the holodeck called "Monkeying Around."
9. Chakotay builds Janeway a bathroom which includes a walk-in closet for all of her hair equipment and a hot tub built for two.
8. Harry throws away his clarinet, lets his hair grow and starts playing the electric guitar in a band called WormHole.
7. The Doc puts Tuvok on lithium after he becomes addicted to emotions and develops bipolar disorder.
6. Neelix develops a new and exciting dish using the insects that Janeway collected on the planet. Everyone says that they taste like chicken.
5. Janeway and Chakotay start having drills to prepare for future plasma storms.
4. Chakotay becomes a licensed massage therapist, and Janeway develops a disease called Chronic Knots on Knots Syndrome.
3. Janeway misses the monkey so much that she orders the ship to return and get him, even though it will extend their journey home by 15 light years.
2. Chakotay writes a book called How Not to Make Love to a Woman.
1. Janeway finds out that she's pregnant, and blames it on Seska.

TOP 10 THINGS JANEWAY AND CHAKOTAY DID DURING THOSE BORING NIGHTS ON NEW EARTH -- FOR ALL THOSE WHO THINK THEY DIDN'T DO IT
Written with Susan Johnson

10. Played three-dimensonal chess
9. Designed a water wheel to power the replicator
8. Private meditation with animal guides
7. Exchanged hilarious stories about admirals they both knew at Starfleet Command
6. Speculated about who on Voyager would end up marrying whom
5. Janeway told Chakotay all of Starfleet's strategies for infiltrating the Maquis; Chakotay told Janeway all of the Maquis strategies for infiltrating Starfleet
4. Table tennis
3. Disciplinary review meetings
2. Listened to very old songs on Janeway's gramophone
1. Star Trek: Klingon CD-ROM

TOP 10 SYMBOLIC REASONS FOR HAVING A MONKEY IN "RESOLUTIONS"
Written with Susan Johnson

10. Suggestive of Ebola virus -- scary enough to make it plausible that the crew would abandon J and C
9. Obscure reference to Curious George
8. Represents evolutionary idea that people developed from primates, to counteract obvious Creationist ploy of Janeway and Chakotay playing Adam and Eve
7. "Then I saw her face, now I'm a believer" -- The Monkees
6. Monkey Business
5. In the original version of the script, Janeway performed scientific experiments on monkey in effort to cure disease
4. Cheetah for Tarzan and Janeway
3. Drew out obvious similarities between Chakotay and Ronald Reagan character in Bedtime for Bonzo
2. No symbolic purpose; plot device so Chakotay had an excuse to come out and see Kathryn in her towel
1. Bad monkey. Spank, spank, spank.

TOP 10 JANEWAY ACTION FIGURES WE'D LIKE, NOW THAT WE HAVE MAQUIS CHAKOTAY
Written with Susan Johnson

10. Janeway in Pink Negligee from "Eye of the Needle" (with hairbrush and removable robe)
9. Janeway in Tight Green Body Suit from "Resolutions" (with removable ugly yellow vest, broken beakers, and tree limbs)
8. Janeway in Hooker Dress from "Resistance" (with concealed weapon and mother's necklace)
7. Janeway in Tight Stripes from "Time and Again" (with bruise on forehead, The Bag, plus small child)
6. Holodeck Janeway from "Persistence of Vision" (with teacup, cucumber sandwiches, and knife to ward off Lord Burleigh)
5. Salamander Janeway from "Threshold" (with removable tongue and baby salamanders)
4. Janeway in See No Evil Pyjamas from "Resolutions" (with transparent-walled bed and picture of Back Rub Chakotay)
3. Janeway in Science Officer TNG Uniform (so we can put her in our Next Gen action figure dioramas in a Tom and Will Riker sandwich)
2. Janeway in Captain Kirk's shirt from "Amok Time" (with lirpa and ahn woon)
1. Bathing Beauty Janeway from "Resolutions" (with tub, monkey, and removable towel!)

TOP 10 WAYS TO GET YOUR J/C FIX IF THEY WON'T EVER DO IT ON THE SHOW
Written with Susan Johnson

10. Buy a pair of Janeway and Chakotay cardboard standees and put some sleazy clothes on them.
9. Get .wav files of Janeway saying "Commander, the next time I need advice about mating behavior, I'll know where to go" ("Elogium") and Chakotay saying "If you'd like, I could teach you" ("The Cloud") and Janeway saying "No one will see us here...it's dark...private..." ("Resistance"), and play them one after the other.
8. Get a tape of Kate Mulgrew in Love Spell where she says "I love you" to Tristan, and a recording of Robert Beltran in Kiss Me a Killer where he says "I love you" to that girl who never wears any underwear, and play them one after the other.
7. Only watch reruns of "Parallax," "The Cloud," "Cathexis," "The 37s," "Elogium," and especially "Resolutions."
6. Think that whenever Janeway says "May I see you in my ready room," the next word out of her mouth is going to be "naked."
5. Find the alt.startrek.creative.erotica archive and read about them to your heart's content.
4. Buy Janeway and Chakotay action figures and see how much action they can get! The legs bend a lot better than Picard's and Crusher's action figures.
3. Assume every sappy love song on the radio is really about J and C. Play lots of Michael Bolton.
2. Get Kate and Robert to do a photo spread like the one David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson of The X-Files did for Rolling Stone...that is, pose them in bed, in one anothers' arms, buck naked.
1. Start calling your boyfriend Chuck and make him call you Kath.

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